“Just a little slice of light”

photo by Kathy Patalsky

We get a lot of emails. Interesting emails. Do you ship here? I have an allergy to this ingredient, can you leave it out of this product? We try to be accommodating whenever possible.

This here email is nothing like that and it is just too great not to share. I love a bit of Americana. That’s what this is I guess — Bible thumping, pie loving Americana. This little letter truly is just a little slice of light!

AUTHOR: Ernest Slyman (Queens, NY)
TITLE: The Law of Pie
Source: Tall Tales of The Bible Belt

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ErnestSlyman

In the Bible Belt, there is the law of pie. If you caught drunk driving in the Bible Belt, you’ve got to recite Bible verses and you can’t eat pie for two weeks. If you rob a bank, and kill two tellers, you can’t eat pie for six years. If you cheat on your taxes you can’t have pie for six months. And if you and your wife fuss and fight over nothing, like who shot the dog. You stop making love. One of you uglier than the other. Here’s some pie. You need it.

If you go to church you deserve a piece of pie. If you dressed up nice and your shoes is shined, you get pie. But if you don’t pray or read your Bible, if you use the Lord’s name in vain, if you womanizing, drunk, gambling, cussing, you ain’t getting no pie. Don’t even ask.

Everything in the Bible Belt are governed by pie. We got the law of pie. If you caught drunk driving in the Bible Belt, you got to recite Bible verses and you can’t eat pie for two weeks. Not a single bite. If you rob a bank, and shoot two tellers, you can’t eat pie for six years. If you cheat on your taxes you can’t have pie for six months. And if you and your wife fuss and fight over nothing, like who shot the dog. You stop making love. One of you acting and talking uglier than the other. Here’s some pie. You need it.

If you go to church you deserve a piece of pie. If you dressed up nice and your shoes is shined, you get pie. You do a good deed, like help an old lady cross the street, or open the door for someone carrying grocery bags, here’s a pie. Help yourself. You deserve it. You are pie-certified. If you jump in the lake and save a child from drowning you get free pie from every restaurant. If you shoot a grizzly bear about to eat somebody, you have won yourself a pie.

The bakery down on West State Street has a sign in the window that says, “Free Pie To Anybody Who Sings A Hymn.” They got a line down there a mile-long. People stand outside the bakery, hoping nobody runs out of pie before they can walk in a sing a gospel song. Yesterday it was blueberry, tomorrow it’s apple, and don’t you know the whole Southeast is excited about it.

If you can pray real good, I mean really pray like Billy Bible, that famous child evangelist who everybody loves, you will receive more pies than you can eat. More pies than it’s humanly possible to consume.

But if you don’t pray or read your Bible, if you use the Lord’s name in vain, if you womanizing, drunk, gambling, cussing, you ain’t getting no pie. Don’t even ask. Don’t whine about it. Don’t smack your lips and point at your open mouth and rub your stomach. You ain’t getting no pie no how no time. The Law of Pie was enacted in 1934, by the then governor of Tennessee, Hoyt Sallerby, of Bristol, Tennessee. He had a vision that if society was governed by who was allowed to eat pie, punishing undesirable behavior by denying people the right to eat pie, we could arrive a state of utopia.

And that’s what has happened. We want to eat pie so bad that we have changed. Criminals who have robbed banks would not think of doing it again. Because they have paid the price. Anyone who sells illegal drugs cannot have pie. Can’t buy a pie. Their lips will never touch a lemon meringue or apple or cherry or pecan or pumpkin pie. Same goes for pickpockets, embezzlers, kidnappers, rapists, burglars and arsonists.

Failure to pay your rent or utility bills in the state of Tennessee will get you on the No Pie List. Use profanity and you go right to the top of the list. And if you smoke or drink too much or gamble or get into a brawl at the local pub, your pie privileges will be suspended indefinitely. If you get caught speeding in your car, if you run a stop sign, if you tailgate or use your cell-phone while driving, what do you think will happen? That’s right. No pie.

Of course, for good god-fearing people, the Law of Pie is easy as pie. But there are those who can’t find it within themselves to obey the law. And for them, the Law of Pie is tyrannical, unforgiving and all encompassing. It’s one dessert that governs us, teaches us how to live within the Law of Pie.

For them that live outside the Law of Pie, you’ll know them because they will be sickly and scrawny. Not eating pie robs the body of nutrients and minerals. Let this be a warning to renegades and ill-mannered folks. Pie has spoken.

Ernest Slyman
eslyman@nyc.rr.com

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ErnestSlyman

Tags: pie

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010 at 10:16 am and is filed under pie. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.